Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
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[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN