“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long