[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
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I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going