@prufrockluvsong

[buried under a pile of geese]

Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.

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@MooseAllain

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

@realHamOnWry

[Deathbed Confession]

I wish I’d listened to my girlfriend more often. Especially as I crossed the road after she yelled BUS.

@bourgeoisalien

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

@trevso_electric

When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.

@_The_Man__

I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell

@Pork_Chop_Hair

My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!

Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)

@12ozCourage

The guy at the urinal next to me must really like my wrist watch.

@baronvonbike

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

@AbbieEvansXO

Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long

Hedgehog: no