*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
You Might Also Like
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs