@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

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@envydatropic

I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English

@Leave_the_candy

i love the term “partners”
are we dating?
are we robbing a bank?
do we run a legal firm?
Who knows man

@Jamie1947

Kanye on the beach, by the water, holding two large conch shells up to either ear.
“That’s incredible”, he says
“When did I record this?”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.

@spaceboyriley

Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love

Girl: ew I don’t want this

Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it

Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross

Van Gogh: I love you too

@Chumpstring

My sister told the police that I mistreat my pets. My own little sister! I guess that’s the thanks I get for giving her a goldfish necklace.

@J0hnnyBlaze

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means