Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
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I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
sistine chapel
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Can i have some thoughts and prayers for my sister?
She’s fine she’s just an idiot.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited