Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

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Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.


Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.


I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.


“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus


At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.


Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”


Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?


Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”


Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.