A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
is this store having a stroke wtf
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard