@aldomax_

Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today

Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature

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@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@primawesome

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

@longwall26

I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.

@cwhudson

“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus

@suzieQ0007

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

@slimmy_shady

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@Mike_Wrong

Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”

@UnFitz

Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.