*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
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Favourite diary entry ever
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*