Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
me as a parent
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off