[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
You sure about that?
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET