*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
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I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.
who wore it better?
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
wife: what’s bothering you, hun?
attila: the romans
CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”