*bursts into bank
*everyone lies down
*everyone closes their eyes

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I do it doggy style… as in I spin around three times before I sit on the toilet.


On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.


[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous


The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.


The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.


Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.


stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?


8 year old at the park said I threw like a girl. He found out I kick in the nuts like a girl too.


My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.


People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.

Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.