A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.