Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
*bursts into room
Me: GUYS! GUYS! I FOUND A UNICORN
Guys: Yeah sure,show us then!
*holds up single kernel of corn
*gets violently beaten
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STAND-UP COMEDIAN: Well folks, that’s my time! You’ve been been a great cr–
SNAIL AUDIENCE, responding to “How’s everybody doing tonight?”: Good!
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Your an idiot.
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Me: OMG! Say something!