Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
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“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
They say the cheetah is the fastest land animal, but nobody has ever clocked a parent whose child called for a plunger from within the bathroom.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.