bury ourselves
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Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.