@alexlumaga

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

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@HumbleTeej

I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting

@DepecheALAmode

If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”

@TheHyyyype

[first day as a cop]

me: i found the body

other officer: any id?

me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

@Brampersandon_

ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse

@UnFitz

*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

@mommajessiec

Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.

@hazelmotes1

Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?