Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”
Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now