[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

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Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.


ME: I like nerdy girls.

HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?

ME: Yes. Exactly like that.


I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.


“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”

“That’s only for narcs.”

“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”


Friday always feels like Wile E. Coyote running off the cliff and Monday is when he looks down.


I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.


Me: “I’d like to withdraw 3 sausages and a packet of peanuts please.”

Man: “That isn’t how a food bank works, sir.”


Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps


It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now