I didn’t want to be the one to have to do this but I’m not here to make friends and I have to tell the truth: coconut water is disgusting
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
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If I owned a bar I would pour myself shots all the time, look in the mirror, wink and say “It’s on the house.”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
100 million years ago there were no creationists.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Frequently Asked Questions:
1) You did what?
3) How dare you?
53) Don’t you know how numbering lists works?