In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
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Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver
GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*
Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.
*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*
It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit