[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

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In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.


Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”


“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”


ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*


Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.


*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*


It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart


*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*


If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.