@dorsalstream

[burying my father at sea]

Why isn’t this shovel working?

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@TweetsByTheTony

In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.

@RobDenBleyker

Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”

@MooseAllain

“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”

@Home_Halfway

ME: Are you sure you’re my Uber driver

GIANT HAWK CARRYING ME AWAY: *various hawk noises*

@markydoodoo

Shout out to the post office for delivering my recycling to me every day.

@krismuscookie

*With only office supplies, she diffuses the bomb with 1 second to spare*
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: *shoves action figures in desk.*

@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@mommajessiec

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

@__candypants

If you break up and get back together more than twice, I will not listen or care about your relationship problems you idiot.