@fishbowel

Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes

Everyone: *freaking out*

Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours

Everyone: *calms down*

Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff

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@Breadery

My daughter: Do you want a kiss daddy?
Me: Of course.
My daughter: Does it make you sad that no other girls want to kiss you?
Me: Thanks.

@bingowings14

Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.

@prufrockluvsong

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

@KeetPotato

cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”

@novicefather

[grocery store with 2yo]

Cashier: your son is so cute. What do you want to have next?

Me: a vasectomy

@AndyAsAdjective

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

@abbycohenwl

Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots

@Sleinso

Do you wanna hold hands?

– me, about to be bitten by a raccoon.

@OakHill_

23 year old me

*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana

48 year old me

*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles