Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…