Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
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When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
🙀🙀🙀😹
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?