A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist
You Might Also Like
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
Her: Choke me!
Me, sexual deviant: Hands her a couple of buttermilk biscuits.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.