@hippieswordfish

[bus stop]
‘help! is there a doctor around?’
im a dr
‘this guy got shot’
how does that make you feel
‘what are u doing?’
im a psychiatrist

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@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@GrantTanaka

if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”

@The_Grant_Boldt

God: okay I need to create something to fill the dark empty void in the meaningless lives of unmotivated people

[creates Twitter]

@ArfMeasures

Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?

Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?

@ValeeGrrl

My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven’t made his summer “fun enough” yet so now he’s folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@FredTaming

[First day as pig farmer]

Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right

@truegritrumble

(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?

@jazz_inmypants

whoa i just got a fortune cookie that said “people will literally eat fried cardboard if u tell them there’s a secret inside lmao”

@BGH70

Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.