Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
You Might Also Like
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
[math class]
How would you order a Subway footlong in metric countries where they don’t have feet?
“By crawling to the counter?”
GET OUT
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Meow
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.