business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I just love that new Pope smell.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I love the honesty
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing