when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down
business 201 classes:
– circling back
– running it up the flagpole
business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Jennifer Aniston is one divorce away from being Ross
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.