@TheHyyyype

business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling down

business 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpole

business 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections

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@jonnysun

when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job

@KeetPotato

accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”

@TheSomeGuyShow

If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.

@workisafuck

This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.

@maisonwithapen

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

@KardashianReact

there are 1,013,913 english words but I never could string together any of them to accurately explain how much I want to hit u with a chair

@PrisonCookies

Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?

@OctopusCaveman

Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!

Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?

Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.

@XplodingUnicorn

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.