@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

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@bossy_bootz

*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter

@KKAlThani

Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says “take me back </3”

@Book_Krazy

THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349553856545427457″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”165″;s:5:”tweet”;s:85:”I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@GregHenchman

If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”

@novicefather

My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.

@shatterpants

I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.