@WheelTod

[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

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@BrainSeducer

Guys, don’t take the first step cause girls hate that easy guy. Also, you must take the first step cause they hate the shy one. Good luck!

@AimeeHelene1

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.

Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.

@PoshTick

me: *down on one knee*

her: omg omg omg it’s finally happening

me: *tightens my velcro straps* what

@just1fool

Who, me? Oh, just living the dream. You know, that one where you forget to wear clothes to work.

@ElKnuckelhombre

My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.

@badbanana

Most unrealistic scene in Pacific Rim? Hundreds take shelter in a bunker during a monster attack. Not one person is tweeting.