[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm

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*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter

*calls to check on the sitter


Somewhere right now, a girl just uploaded a picture of a place she went to in the past with a caption that says “take me back </3”


THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…

ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”


a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:8:”kelkulus”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3278807262/1fcf70b5a66e936d490699028532762d_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”349553856545427457″;s:7:”retweet”;s:3:”165″;s:5:”tweet”;s:85:”I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}


If I had a bodyguard, I’m pretty sure he’d just spend most of his time sighing and saying “Don’t eat that…”


My toddler fell, smashed his face into the cement, then played it off like he was giving the ground a kiss.

No DNA test necessary.


I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.