[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
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Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Adultry does not sound fun at all
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Diet hack: Spend your money filling up your gas tank so you won’t have money for groceries.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit