@panmidwest

[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers

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@CAshmanActor

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

@EliseRose5

Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.

@iamspacegirl

if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day

@DothTheDoth

My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.

@3sunzzz

H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.

M: okay

H: That’s it, okay?

M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.

H: What?

M: What?

@lazerdoov

The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@Staggfilms

ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?

BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.

ROBIN: What?

BATMAN: What?