HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
E R: Y
! ! ! !
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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Mom wants me to have a baby girl with blonde hair and blue eyes.And I want a sane mother who isn’t oblivious to my Italian bloodline.
Lol at birds that walk places.
if chickens exchanged goods and services for a fixed price it would be called chicken tenders have a great day
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.