[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
You Might Also Like
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
tell em, edith-anne
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.