Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
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Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Scientist next to me: My god. Reality is a simulation.
Me (also a scientist): My god. I haven’t fed my tamagotchi in 17 years.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”