@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN

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@alexlumaga

Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*

Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*

@stacywawa1

[Pulls away from kissing]

So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?

@3sunzzz

*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*

@mrjohndarby

[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this

@prufrockluvsong

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

@alfageeek

What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?