Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*
*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*
YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN
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[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?