@datdbag

*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*

*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*

YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN

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@trutherbot

2,000 calories of junk food costs just $3.52 a day. 2,000 calories of dense nutritional foods costs $36.32 a day. No wonder people are fat.

@_Bad_Karma

Not all Heroes wear capes.

But HR says I do have to wear pants, which is such bullshit..

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

@Darlainky

Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane

@falteredstates

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the movie adaptation of one of my favourite books

@MissHavisham

Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS

@WeissBrandon

Cop: do you know why I was following you?
Me: WAS following? Wait you unfollowed me?
Cop:haha
Me:haha
Cop…
Me… Is it cause of the drugs?

@lawyerthoughts

defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

@biorhythmist

Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.