@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
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(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I have never related to a cat more
scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left
aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?
sientist: ause it’s your fault
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.