[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

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If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.


This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.


Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase


Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL


DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]


I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it


All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”


[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care


She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.