@WheelTod

[Busy Diner]

Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”

Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”

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@pdxjohnny99

If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.

@AngelaEhh

This liquid diet crap is a scam. I’ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I’m still fat.

@Mr_Kapowski

Usually when I try to be slick and say “keep the change,” the money I’ve handed over doesn’t cover what I’m trying to purchase

@PaperWash

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

@roxiqt

DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature

ME: [leaves]

@MariyaAlexander

I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it

@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

@murrman5

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

@iGreenMonk

She said she was turned on by men who took risks.

So he took the plastic off his iPhone screen.