I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
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(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Thoughts
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN