But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

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A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…



1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run


[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”


How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.


If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.


Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.


Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.


Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars


The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.