@Papa_Mex

But baby, if you didn’t want me climbing in your window, why’d you leave the ladder in the garage behind the workbench chained to the beam?

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@GingerGander

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

@CulturedRuffian

INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:

1.Know when to hold em

2.Know when to fold em

3.Know when to walk away

4.Know when to run

@KeetPotato

[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”

@3_livi

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

@TheTweetOfGod

If “the word impossible is not in your vocabulary”, you have a pretty limited vocabulary.

@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

@GibJimson

Damn girl, are you an octagon?

Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.

@Baldylockzzz

Nothing says ” My divorce didn’t go as planned ” quite like the guy with grocery bags hanging on the sides of his bicycles handlebars

@JohnLyonTweets

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.