[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
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I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
#oldknees
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months