BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
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What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.