Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
You Might Also Like
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
grateful there’s a whole airline for virgins . i do NOT want them on my flight
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”