A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.