@BoomBoomBetty

But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?

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@JohnLyonTweets

A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.

@neledmax

You said you were only adding your 2 cents but it seems more like your life savings.

@caithuls

[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@Bob_Heller

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

@nerdreign

Body language can be so subtle that only an intuitive person can read your mood. Body slams, I have found, are far more direct.

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@LostFelicia

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

@robfee

The story of Rudolph is a great way to let your kid know that bullies will keep torturing him until he’s famous, then they’ll be his friend.

@jollyrobber

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.