But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
* overheard at the bar *
Becky: so what do you do?
Him: I’m a beekeeper
Ecky: you astard!!!!
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
Wife: we argue a lot about money
Therapist: well that’s not uncommon among coupl-
Me: Andrew Jackson was a genocidal murderer and should be taken off the twenty dollar bill. I am not budging on this, Diane.
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.