SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
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Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
crying
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go