Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
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someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
”You can’t outsmart me! I know what you’re up to” I say to my cat. I lie
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”