but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

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Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL


[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?


Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.


A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.


“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.


All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work


has a fever: i’m ok
coughs out lungs: i’m ok
throat on fire: i’m ok
is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life


First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…


Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.


Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.