@IamEnidColeslaw

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

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@BadJordon

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

@Mr_Kapowski

Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea

@userjaymes

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

@rad_milk

ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not

@Tmoney68

Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.

@InternetHippo

How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data

@drinksmcgee

8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
8: Cassettes?
M: Like an older CD.
8: CD?
M: *pours bourbon

@heyitsJudeD

Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..