but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

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Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.


Voiceover: Continued use of this drug may cause but isn’t limited to blurry vision, nausea, knowing the lyrics to the Macarena, diarrhea


me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco


ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not


Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.


How do you know if a website really likes you or only wants you for your data


8: What’s a VCR?
Me: It played video tapes.
8: Video Tapes?
M: Like cassettes.
8: Cassettes?
M: Like an older CD.
8: CD?
M: *pours bourbon


Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??

Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..