@IamEnidColeslaw

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

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@BlackJerms

Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL

@ABurgerADay

[Casting Meeting]

Director: Did we get Cruise?

Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.

Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?

@loribuckmajor

Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.

@_SingleBabyMama

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

@the_anastasia

“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”

Facebook is worse than my parents.

@DvuslyMarvelous

All my romantic tweets are just stuff the bum outside my building yells at me as I walk into work

@tbhstop

has a fever: i’m ok
coughs out lungs: i’m ok
throat on fire: i’m ok
is hungry: death, despair and chaos has entered my life

@FeverFlave

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

@Kvy_kv

Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.

@Donna_McCoy

Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.