i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
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the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.
Today I burned spinach.
This hospital has everything
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
fourth time’s the charm
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton