So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
When people show me pictures of their kids I show them pictures of my exes. If I have to look at their mistakes, they have to look at mine.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Always
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.