“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back
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“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
2022: I can fix it
You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs