@_sleepysmile

But I love food, why would it want to poison me? 🙁

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@mattgallo123

Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.

@50ShadesGran

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

@delusions_of

My phone always asks if I “Trust This Computer” like it knows something I don’t.

@NurseMurderer

grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?

me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.

@CornOnTheGoblin

date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this

@momjeansplease

Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am

@shutupmikeginn

A dog is in my studio apartment and he keeps looking around for other rooms. I wish i was doing a little better too dude !

@ramenfuneral

if i were a white vegan satanist i would constantly say stuff like “kale satan” and “i love the dark gourd” and nobody would stop me