I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
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came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Simple
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.