But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
You Might Also Like
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.