My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
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Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
pizza
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down