@just1fool

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

“But I need braaaaaaains!”

~A frustrated zombie at a Trump rally

- @just1fool

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@WorkingMom86

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

@cravin4

I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.

I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.

@platinum2000

“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”

*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.

@junejuly12

[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*

[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*

@RoastedPapad

2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17,19 etc were the years when I was in my prime.

@BlaineKy

I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…

@Shock_Monster

Ladies: We barely pay attention when you are speaking directly AT us. What makes you think we will pick up on a subtweet?

@BobbyBucchae

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

@Playing_Dad

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name