I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
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I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.