There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
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“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
That lamp looks PISSED.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.