But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
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‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Accidentally took an adderall instead of an anti-depressant now I’m SUPER focused on my depression.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.