But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.
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flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
8:00 AM: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
5:00 PM: Too tired to think
Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
if u hurt ur leg u can use the frozen veggies at whole foods as ice packs 4 free. hold on im getting an update from the manager. no u cannot
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.