“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
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DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
step 6: release the wall snake
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
Something Saturday.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this