Mistakes married women make:
1. Assuming he heard you.
2. Assuming he understood you.
3. Assuming he’ll remember.
4. Marrying a man.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
“My Heart Mustard Go On” – Celine Dijon
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect