@caseytduncan

But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???

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@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.

@TheRolo

Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???

@ObtuseHands

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

@EndhooS

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

@jeannerbeaner

Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.

@StillRadNotaFad

My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!

@TheMichaelRock

The only way I want to see your ultrasound picture is if you’re having a velociraptor.

@fro_vo

Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect