“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
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“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!
aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.