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me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it


[8 AM]

Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?


I just Googled ‘Nicolas Cage jokes’ and it showed me a list of every film he’s been in.

Well played, Google.


“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down


I bought and named a star after you.

If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.


Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”


“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”


Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!

Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*


News: Don’t panic about Ebola, but please watch this nonstop coverage about how it could spread everywhere and kill you. Don’t panic though.